Free At Last

Josh Nowell baptizing me on February 28, 2020.

My soul rejoices for what God has done for me and my brother, Mike.

We have similar stories, but I’ll let him tell his story some other time.

I’ve been in church all my life. Literally since I was born, my life revolved around going to church with family, since my mom was the music director and on staff. I loved the community and family that came with church. I loved how people knew my name and how they watched me grow up to become a good Christian girl. I learned how to raise my hands and sing loudly, because I wanted to feel good and be a good example to those around me. I was even baptized at eight years old, because I believed that God was real and I wanted him to live in my heart. But I didn’t know much else, if I’m being honest.

With salvation behind me, my sins seemingly taken care of, my life progressed. I grew older and maintained my “pure” Christian look, but my heart grew more and more infatuated with the world.

Yet I still held to my lifelong religious list of do and don’ts. Everything was about staying on the “good” side. But that only lasted for so long and then the idea of Christianity completely transformed in college.

Your relationship was between God and you and it was on your terms. God could be whatever and whoever you wanted him to be. So I lived as I wanted to live, I acted on feelings and pursued my heart’s desires because the “god” I had created in my head wanted me to be happy and love myself. This god in my head was all grace and saw me right where I was. I figured that he would not ask me to change if he loved exactly who I was, right?

I never made the connection that perhaps my issues and constant confusion was due to my high view of self and low view of God…. that my issues were due to sin and that I had a desperate need for a savior.

I thrived off of being the image of wisdom… a “good” person who knew right from wrong, and sought out to do good things for others. I have my entire life. No one wants to be the kid that grew up in church and didn’t end up being a good kid after all.

So you stick to the script, you say the right things, you go to church to make god and your parents see that you’re trying, you do the good things in front of others, you hide the bad things and you settle that one day you’ll get your life straight when there’s not so much fun to be had. I mean, after all, I was a “good” person, I’d be fine in the end, right?

But everything began to change when I was confronted with the truth. Someone asked if I knew how to share the gospel. In my mind, I said “yes” but I didn’t really know where it began or what Jesus really saved us from at all.
It scared me to think that I didn’t understand the basic truth of salvation.

This “good news” was nowhere in my head. All I could think of is what I have heard my entire life— how God is good and just wants you to be happy. Why didn’t I know the most important thing? I didn’t want to get to end of my life and stand before Him and say “Lord, Lord” and Jesus say “Depart from me, I never knew you.” (Matthew 7:21-23 ESV)

So I began to read the Word of God diligently more than I ever have, because I wanted to know the Truth once and for all.

What I found was the God of the Bible, and He was vastly different than the image I had created in my head. The One, True God was Just, Righteous, Full of Wrath AND Loving, Kind and Gracious beyond compare. I found the truth about man’s sinful condition, the depths of sin and how God didn’t create it this way.

How man chose to try to be like God in the garden and now we think that we can determine what is good and what is evil. I read how the True God is faithful and patient for those who call out to him in repentance. Even so, I became fearful of the Lord the more I read because I saw His true nature and I saw mine. How much I can’t compare to His holiness that is so great that our works and attempts to be good are not worthy to give because our sin-stained hands could only offer sin-stained works that are worth as much as filthy rags in His presence.

But…. the glorious news was almost to good to believe. Day by day, through His Word, God revealed His greatest gift.

Even while I was a sinner, God being rich in mercy, showed me grace by providing a way for me, the most wretched of sinners, a religious foolish girl, to be forgiven and justified forever. He sent His son, Jesus Christ, to be the One who would unfairly take my place. To live the sinless life I could never live, die the brutal death on the cross and bear the full wrath of God that I deserved, and then overcame sin and the grave when he rose on the third day.

For the first time in my life, I saw the truth.

God graciously and lovingly showed me that I was anything but “good.” That my works or efforts to try to be a good person would never earn me salvation. Instead, my salvation was truly a gift and would be found only in His work through His son, Jesus Christ.

The price has been paid, and now I am free.

Pure joy as my brother, Micheal, emerged from his baptism.

So today and until my last breath, I will boast in my own weaknesses so that the goodness of God will be glorified forever.

Best summed up by the words from my favorite song,

“With every breath I long to follow Jesus,
For He has said that He will bring me home,
And day by day I knew He will renew me,
Until I stand with joy before the throne.”